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| so it has been forever and a day since i have been on here...there are way too many of these sites for me to keep up with anymore. i'm on facebook under the wrong school and myspace is the only thing i really keep up with. so anyway, i'm engaged to D. we are supposed to get married in june of 2008 and i am turning 21 in less than a month. about me right now, i am totally stressing about money. i don't have a job, and i have a feeling that i am going to have to move out in the next few months and D. is totally going to have to support my unemployed ass. he says he loves me not working because he gets to see me all of the time, but i haven't started to ask him for money yet so i don't know what is going to happen with that. i can't do this right now...see if i can update later. | | |
| so i haven't been on here in a really long time. a lot has happened. good news first, D. and i are getting an apartment in February and that really makes me happy and scared at the same time. i really am so excited about this, but i am so afraid at the same time that we are not going to be able to make enough money to make it.
average news second. i don't know what i'm doing. i have a seasonal job at circuit city, and i don't know what i am doing next semester for school. maybe parkside if it is not too late.
bad news that i haven't talked about. a very good friend of mine died in october. Jason Ray Edwards, age 25. he and i had a really close friendship because he was the only person who has read all of my poetry and we were close when we dated. i had a dream about him the other night. i dreamt that we were just hanging out and i realized that he was supposed to be dead. i even asked him about it, but he was just so happy. i really want to talk about him, but it is so hard especially with D. D. is so jealous of my history it is ridiculous.
the night before jason died, H. J. Jason and I all went bowling and had dinner. i neglected to tell D. that Jason and i had dated and i also didn't think it was a big deal since it was so far in the past. but the next day when i found out about Jason and i told D. what had happened, he started to freak out that i went out with my ex. that was a huge fight. and he doesn't want me to talk to randy because he hates him. so he stopped talking to laci. i don't care if he talks to laci because i trust him. apparently he doesn't trust me. | | |
| god, love is so confusing. i am the girlfriend that every guy dreams of, but at the same time am i just being it to be it and not because that is really what i am? D. said to me yesterday (after amazing sex and much conversation) something about me being really held back about my feelings and i told him honestly that i think that is the way i will always be. i mean, i know he loves me, and i love him, and i know that he wants me to be me and be honest, but i get so afraid and nervous. i don't know. i really want to be able to open up and let him know everything, but at the same time i don't. he asked me if i wanted kids. he wants them so bad. and he said that he didn't want to be the guy that had kids at 30 and then was never able to be all sporty and dadlike shit with them. i don't know about all that. i mean. yeah, boys will be boys and dads want to play sports with them, but my dad was over 30 when he had me and i think that if it were not for his back that things would be pretty active with him. but D. is getting close to the big three-oh anyway, so it's not like he has much choice. there is no way i am having kids until i know that i can comfortably support them and be a good female role model to them. and i know that within the next (at least) 2 years that is not going to happen.
that is another thing that scares me. i mean, he tells me he loves me all the time. and i knew i loved him before, but i wonder. i always have those stupid doubts in the back of my mind that maybe i am a last chance in his mind. or that in the two years, he has made this image of me that is not really me. i mean, the whole kid thing. if he didn't get into a serious relationship soon, he wouldn't be having kids for a while. i don't know, maybe i am overthinking.
back to the emotional thing. after i told him that i think i will always be held back he told me that i can't be like that anymore. that he loves me and i have to be honest with him even about the bad things. but that makes me the not be the girl that everyone wants. i mean, if i tell him everything, things change. i mean the major thing i would tell him right now is about this insane money-making plan. i don't want him to do it. J. doesn't want B. to do it either because she doesn't want to lose her son or husband over it and she can't tell him. i want to tell him that i am scared of losing him and that i don't like the idea. but if J. can't even tell her husband, how am i supposed to tell my boyfriend? and coke, that is another huge fear. it is one of his weaknesses and i don't want to get myself into something that is just going to break my heart again if he gets deep into drugs. that is why i was happy he was gone. as far as i know while he was gone he was clean. and being in this area for him just brings back the old feelings about the old times and gives him the same opporotunities he had back then. i just don't want to be scared of losing him to jail or drugs. my heart aches just thinking that any day i could lose him over stupid shit like that, and i can't even bring myself to say it. i know i'd cry. i cry now writing about it. let alone telling him to his face. maybe i'm afraid to cry in front of him. it shows him i am human.
god i wish i didn't want to be perfect. i used to think i was so independent and it scares me that i have gone over 4 years without being single. and in those four years i never once let myself run the chance of letting my true feelings out. no one knew my angers, my fears. M. did. but that is not the same. she had to do everything for me. i don't know how to be independent any more.
fuck this. i am depressing my self. i am sure i will write an uplifting entry another day when i am on an upswing to make up for this one. | | |
| well well well. i guess it has been quite awhile since i have updated.
already i took the job in highwood, and quit. they think they fired me,
but can you really fire a person that has given notice three or more
times in the month and a half that they worked there. i think not.
omg. D. is back. i am no longer with the guy i was dating, i am no
longer upset about anything that happened between randy and i. i don't
know why i am putting this on the internet other than the fact that i
know that D. will never ever find this. he admitted he loved me.
i knew it. we had an understanding, but it is nice to know officially.
i mean, jesus, i've loved him for like two years. i just keep feeling
like i am going to wake up one day and realize it was all a dream. i
just couldn't beleive he came back. i couldn't beleive he called me and
still wanted me at all. i mean, 2 years is a while. i didn't think he
would even remember i existed. i didn't think he would want to talk to
me if i somehow, miraculously, got a hold of him on the phone while he
was gone. i always tried to imagine what would happen if he came back
and we happened to run into each other somewhere. it usually ended up
with us having really wild sex somewhere or me being a pussy, or even
him blowing up on me and my leaving in tears. but it was nothing like
that. see, i've changed my number since we dated before, so he called
the other number that he had for me, and he got my dad's house. i
talked to my dad later in the night (i was at work) and i seriously
thought it was someone pranking me. so i finally called when i was
getting ready to close up shop (after hours of feeling like i was going
to throw up and much deliberation) and it was right back to the same
old life. i can't beleive how much i missed him. it has just been
amazing. at the same time though, i am afraid. because i think that he
is really serious (we are going to texas friday to see his parents!)
but i am not sure that he's serious with all of the stuff that he says.
now that he's told me he loves me though, i think he is serious. could
this be the man i marry? kinda scary yet ezhilerating.
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| wow, it seems like a lot of shit is going on but really it's not that much
i got a job as an assistant manager for the highwood domihoes. i don't really know if i want it though. we'll see how it goes.
i sent Randy a text message because i wanted to get something out of the box of shit that i gave to him when we broke up. the thing is, he threw it away. and i wonder why? he says he got pissed off after we stopped talking again. understandable. but he said he was sorry, and i wonder what you are sorry for, the fact that you threw everything that had to do with us away over something stupid, or the fact that i wanted something out of it? i guess it doesn't matter. because i will never say these things to him because i think talking to him is not the best thing for me. i can't let go. i feel like i want to love joe so much but because we don't have the same emotional connection that Randy and i did, i feel like i would be lying to him. and the only reason that i gave Randy that box of stuff is that i thought that he would throw it in a corner and let it gather dust, because if i had it i knew i would look through it every day and cry and wish for the past, which sucks because the past will never be what it was again and even though i try to tell myself that, i feel like i still don't understand it.
i'm packing to leave loyola, to leave behind a part of my life.
my last day at the irving park domihoes was yesterday
Diane is a bitch. i can now freely say this because i beleive that they are officially broken up. i feel bad, but not after i get an e-mail that is superficially nice and really is telling me that it is my fault that they broke up and that i'm going to be going to a shit school. the only reason i do not e-mail her back is because i am above her bullshit. other wise it would go something like this... "look here bitch. i put up with you because i thought you were good for my dad until you started treating him like shit. he is worth more that anything and someday you will realize this. and this thing you call an obsession that left you 'alone and alienated' is called being a good father. i'm sorry that you are so insecure about yourself that you can't handle my father's relationship with his DAUGHTER. you are a bitch and i don't need to sugar coat anything anymore. and by the way, i am leaving loyola to save my father some money because i know he needs it an i am willing to do that for my FAMILY. apparently devotion is something you know nothing about because i am the only thing that will not just up and walk out of my dad's life. I would wish you a happy life, but i don't think you deserve it, but since you think that money equals happiness, then i think i will wish you all the money in the world so that you will learn the true meaning of lonliness. ", but i am above that so i will just post it here...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all
well, enough venting, more packing.
MCL | | |
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